If All Could be Told
by itsybitsyshelley
Summary: AU Carby. Will a hidden truth and have the potential to break their relationship apart. S9 setting. Cue major angst.
1. Hiding and Seeking

If All Could Be Told.

_A/N: This story might appear a little outdated, but then it was started ages ago! Probably around season 9ish, it will satisfy any Carby cravings that have been subdued because of morerecent events on the show. It takes an extremely A/U direction as it is the fruit of my imagination and after all it is fiction! Any feedback is much appreciated:)_

_Summary: Carby. Abby has a painful secret. Will this hidden truth have the potential to break their relationship apart. Plenty of angst, a smattering of romance, an abundance of friendship and a revelation_

Prologue: Hiding and Seeking.

A flickering shaft of light breaks through where the door has been left ajar, my fitful sleep now broken by the cold sheets of the suddenly empty side of the bed. Going to investigate, I peer out of the bedroom through the fuzzy curtains of sleep to find what I expected already. Darkness. A pitch black permeates the room, broken only by the T.V: its volume is turned down low and garish colours flicker from the screen, performing a dance upon her face. The darkness only reveals the beautiful silhouette of her head and shoulders peeking over the back of the sofa. I can't see her face and yet I know that it will be tear-stained; her delicate features stained by wet salt trails streaking down soft beautiful skin, these tears that desperately try to drain away the pain and fear behind her soulful eyes. Those eyes have experienced and feel so much. Right now, they are experiencing and feeling all alone.

All I want to do is to remove this pain, its part of my job as a boyfriend, at least if she'd let it be. I know that she knows this too – she doesn't share, it is hard for her I can understand, it has been this way for all the time I've known her. The thing is she has shared so much with me already. Why not this? I wish she'd let me help her. Help her with whatever compels her to sit out here alone at night. I love her; I can only hope that she knows that enough, feeling guilty that I might not tell her as often as I should.

I stand for a while staring at the back of the sofa that she is sitting, her long dark hair tumbles in a cascade amongst the pool of cushions and blankets. I hear the whimpers that accompany each body-wracking spasm of sobs. They wrench my insides tightly as I can only look on helplessly. If I go over there now and wrap my arms around her as I want to, I know what it will provoke. Denial. It's how we get by now and I wonder how we ever even got like this.

Once again I've managed to talk myself out of trying to resolve these midnight occurrences, simply remembering what happens when I do.

Last time I tried to talk to her about this it turned into a big mistake. Once upon a time I promised that I wouldn't try to fix her. God, she's the most beautiful person that I have never met, despite all her baggage, she's just Abby. My Abby. There's nothing at all about her that I want to 'fix'. I just get concerned about things, and I want to help her. I don't think that I'm being unreasonable, just caring.

Abby is so fiercely independent sometimes, even I think that maybe when I react the way that I tend to, that it is – like she often claims- an overblown reaction.

The first time I spotted her out here, I did pretty much as I do now, I waited it out. I know Abby, she's stubborn, wilful but most of all scared to let anybody in. I knew that if she wanted to talk, she would, as I still know now.

Our first major fight revolved around this issue, exacerbated and instigated by her going out drinking. She waived my concern, combated it. I was the one, this time who backed down, walked away when things got rough and left her at the EL station. Eventually we managed to talk; the words that we exchanged that day forever reverberate around in my mind. I was elated that day, we'd overcome our first major hurdle and made a leaping progress,

"_How far are we gonna go if we keep hiding from each other." _I had asked tentatively, fixing her dark eyes with my own. She stepped towards me closing the distance between us. So close and yet acres apart, I wanted her to answer me before I gave into my addictive cravings to touch her and take her in my arms.

When she replied, I heard the words as if they'd been amplified a hundred times, _"I won't hide anymore" _when these sweet words left her lips, I naively thought they bore the marker of truth. Now, they just have a bittersweet ring because I know she's still hiding, hiding from me.

Last time, it felt like I nearly lost her. I'm not letting that happen again, it's too much of a scary prospect so, for now, I can live with what we have. I can't comprehend the pain if we were ever to be apart, it would be like entering a colossal black hole, and yet another failure, one that I'm not sure I would recover from. At least now, I can be here for her if she is ever ready to talk. When I catch her like this, then – crying in the night - I go back to bed. Yep, callous as it sounds, that's what I do. Despite this, I'll be forever consumed with guilt on nights like these until she asks for help. Until then it is going to be like this.

Once more I turn around before going back into the bedroom, it's for the best. I know her, she'll talk to me when she is ready and not before. My insides feel a familiar contortion as I leave her once more, teary and in the darkness, not knowing that I am always here for her, right now as I stand outside this room, and always. I enter the bedroom into my own darkness, knowing she is out there alone and willing some sort of fitful slumber to chase away my worry induced insomnia and to bring me to sleep again.


	2. The Morning After

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything ERandI didn't in the last chapter either!_

Chapter 1: The Morning After

Carter's eyes flickered open from sleep. His eyes scrunched up at the glow of morning light that poured through the windows, the tangle of limbs restricted his movement as the familiar petite form, was back wrapped around him in an amoeba like fashion. Her chest rose and fell contently against his, in tandem with peaceful snores that escaped her lips. Sighing softly, he wished that she was able to find this peace all the time.

She began to stir slightly in his arms "Hey you" he whispered quietly, as his fingertips traced a pattern on the soft skin of her stomach "Wake up sleepyhead" he continued, capturing her nose lightly with his lips.

An indecipherable noise escaped her still, sleepy form as her trademark pout was fully formed once more. His lips twitched at the corners, barely holding in the smile, "Wow, Ms. Lockhart, how charming you are at these early hours"

"Hey I'm tired" was the now understandable reply. Despite her grouchy tone, she affectionately moved further into his embrace, grasping his hand with her own and tracing small circles in his palm.

"Really? We went to bed pretty early last night." The thought made him grin, and almost distracted him from the talk that he actually wanted to have with her, but he suppressed it to giving her a searching look as the other events of the previous night came to his mind.

"I don't know why, am I supposed to know why?" He felt her curl away from his grasp, increasing the distance between them but maintaining their contact. She knew that he could read her feelings fairly easily. It often made her uncomfortable, and she hoisted her interior defences right back up. Carter watched her eyes deaden before he looked away. They were so beautiful, but gave away to him exactly how she was feeling. Abby had a knack for hiding her true feelings, but Carter could always see it in her eyes, it is how he read her, how he knew her so well.

Abby always was a little grouchy in the mornings; he had learned to love it. All she needed was a little injection of caffeine, he gave up on this interrogation for now and decided upon this wiser option, "Breakfast?"

"If it involves coffee Dr. Carter, then I'm all yours. Her brown eyes gained their regular sparkle and a slight smile crept onto her face

"It's a deal" Carter said, planting a kiss on the lips whilst crawling out of her arms, making his way to the kitchen.

* * *

Abby sat at the kitchen table, her dark brown locks, were now darker ebony in their post-shower dampness. They were drying in slight wave around her face, getting in her eyes as she continually struggled to brush them out of the way. Carter looked on half amused and half mesmerised, she was at her prettiest when it was all natural, she usually brushed out the waves so they were straight and not half as annoying. Away in her own little world, she stopped as she caught his gaze, "What are you looking at?"

"I'm not sure; it didn't come with an instruction manual"

"Hey!" She swatted his arm in an equally playful manner. Carter winced mockingly, she rolled her eyes in reply, and that didn't last for long, gazing at her intently made her smile, his own deep brown eyes conveying deep affection. She could never keep up her pretence of anger.

"But you know, you do look even more gorgeous than the picture in the manual." He leaned forward, instigating a kiss, pecking her lightly on the lips at first. The kiss deepened as they both got lost in each other Abby reciprocating equally, running her hand through his soft un-gelled hair. Both eventually had to gasp for air. Abby smiled wryly, suppressing a giggle. Carter noticed and smiled back with a wide grin, even when she was happy she would only smile slightly, but he knew how she really felt because her eyes danced.

"Well, I must say, Dr. Carter, you sure do make an amazing breakfast" He smiled again in reply.

"I do, huh?"

"Yep, and as long as I'm still alive in twenty four hours, I'll stand by that claim." She teased, waiting expectantly for his lopsided puppy dog expression he always used to express his mock hurt. She didn't have to wait long. His light brown eyes got bigger as he tilted his head down, she could have sworn that he also stuck out his bottom lip the tiniest bit.

"Carter" Abby said with a smile in her voice.

"Yeah?" He said with the faintest whine present in his voice. He wasn't giving up this act yet.

She kept her face as straight as she could which was difficult as the grin she wanted to express hurt the sides of her face, "I'm immune to that you know"

"I don't think so" Carter said disbelievingly. At this, he turned used the lethal weapon; his brown eyes got even wider and more melancholy than before.

Abby broke her eye contact with Carter. His puppy-dog routine never failed to make her melt and she was melting right there, her stomach fluttering hopelessly. She crossed her arms petulantly ignoring his gaze, "Nope, not working on me" she stated. Carter took this opportunity to inch closer to Abby; he did it slowly and carefully observing each and every inch of her as he drew nearer completely unawares.

"Still not working…" Abby was oblivious to the fact that Carter had crept to within inches of her, until he pounced. She felt his warm breath settle softly on her neck, accompanied by light, electric kisses placed gently upwards on the side of her throat. "Still not…mmm." Her protests were distracted and gave way to moans of pleasure as his kisses moved vigorously from her throat to her chin. It wasn't long before this swift assault had captured her lips. His hand, which had laid rest upon her hips travelled in seductive rhythms up the side of her body. The other one followed the trail of Carter's kisses, it found itself wound in her soft dark hair, caressing down her cheeks and under her chin.

"Still not working?" he asked throatily, between kisses.

"Nuh huh" She murmured in reply. Abby responded to his touch, her arms wound around his neck and her hands in his hair.

Carter broke away suddenly from this embrace with a wide grin on his face, "At least you'll be at the hospital" he joked, nonchalantly, resuming the sparring that had gone before their outburst of passion.

"That was so mean" now it was Abby's turn to whine.

"I know" he stated simply, as he watched her pout. He liked to spar with her like this, if only, he thought, they could tackle the more serious things as easily. They both bantered on this superficial level often, and enjoyed it. Carter wondered however if they could ever even broach the serious. He wore his feelings as he felt them, but Abby buried hers deeply, often leaving them unreachable. Carter often pondered this issue and the implications that it might have upon their relationship. Up until now, even throughout their tumultuous friendship/romance flourished into the relationship that they were both experiencing it had never really been such an important issue. Carter had accepted that it was part of her, part of her personality. Now, he knew she was in so much pain; he had changed his mind, his very being ached at the thought of something causing her so much anguish and this had brought the issue to his attention.

"Okay then" Abby backed down. "It's a good job that I'm gonna be at the hospital, if..." he could see that this could go on for a while, so he quietened her with a kiss. Affection and passion came to the fore, amongst friendship and love, but the euphoria that Carter felt was tainted by one thing...secrets.


	3. Argument and Aftermath

If All Could Be Told.

_A/N: Here's Chapter 2! Hope you enjoy it...please review and let me know what you think._

_Disclaimer: I still don't own ER!_

_Summary: Carby. Abby has a painful secret. Will this hidden truth have the potential to break their relationship apart. Plenty of angst, a smattering of romance, an abundance of friendship and a revelation._

Chapter 2: Argument

Cloudless sky and fair weather set a deceptively serene scene. The congested bustle of Chicago's rush hour had plagued their EL journey and the busy chaos had both surrounded and spilled into the ambulance bay. Despite this cacophony of noise and activity, it did not distract them from each other. Fingers entwined and bodies as close as physically possible, their pace reduced to a slow linger. The familiar glass doors despite their pace came unavoidably close. Carter stopped abruptly, pulling Abby gently to face him. His hand ran lightly up the arm not holding his own, reaching her shoulder, her neck and then her cheek. He watched her eyelids flutter closed as his lips descended onto her own in one last kiss, their last chance to take in every inch of each other before their shifts would end. His stomach entered his throat during the battle of lips and tongues as Abby felt a jolt up her spine as his hands caressed her neck and face. He pulled away reluctantly with a sigh, resigned to working an ER shift, but not once did he pull his gaze away from her beautiful brown eyes.

Entering the automatic doors and fighting through the waiting area chairs, they finally reached the admit desk. Before parting Carter leaned back into Abby, nibbling her neck, her ear and then whispering, "You're beautiful."

A crimson tinge spread across Abby's pale cheeks. She really hated compliments. From anyone else she could just shrug them off, but Carter was different, such was the sincerity soaked in his eyes. A surge of love rose from inside her, but so tainted by confusion, denial and fear she found herself enable to reciprocate the emotion etched into his features.

Carter watched her avoid his gaze; it made him intensely sad that she couldn't accept what was clearly so true.

"Don't..." she began as the blissful mood soured.

"Why not?" Carter questioned in an annoyed tone that was unintentional, yet betrayed his burgeoning feelings of frustration.

Boy, she was hard work sometimes, he was getting peeved, but love was supposed to be challenging, right?

"Because...because" her reasoning floundered.

"Because why?" Carter continued to pester.

"Forget it" She swiftly stormed into the lounge leaving Carter, stunned and pissed off at the admit desk.

* * *

Consequently, the two spent the rest of the day avoiding each other – mostly on Carter's part really, he needed time to ponder what was going on. His day managed to get worse however, as County was host to a number of difficult cases. Two traumas had come in and neither patient had survived hiking his stress levels up a number of notches. At worst he had found himself snapping at a young boy who wouldn't keep still, so he could get a blood draw.

"Thomas, don't cry, its okay" he tried to make amends as the mother of the bawling boy eyeballed him angrily in the background. Carter spotted the easier option, "Pratt" he called, "Can I pass this patient over to you" Pratt, already carrying a large pile of charts looked unhappy. He opened his mouth to protest cockily but was cut off abruptly by Carter.

"I'll take a couple of those off of your hands." as he said this Pratt's face brightened.

"Sure, that sounds like a fair swap. Thanks Doc."

Carter ducked into the lounge for a much needed break. Grabbing a much needed coffee, he gulped down the hot brown liquid in two seconds flat. Distractedly, he moved his frustration onto the polystyrene cup, picking it to bits furiously. He didn't hear Susan enter behind him.

"Hey, what did that poor cup ever do to you" She said cheerfully. Carter self-consciously put the cup aside, but sat in silence.

"Is everything okay?" she probed with evidentconcern forher friend.

"Yea, fine" he lied with a false brightness.

Susan saw through his reply, Carter had seemed tense and snappy all day and she had even seen him being brusque with patients. It was out of character for him and she didn't buy it for a minute, "Come on Carter, you've been walking around the hospital, like a bear with a sore head. Whist a certain brunette nurse that we all know and love is going around in exactly the same foul mood...I wonder what that equals"

"That Susan Lewis is nosier than we initially thought."

"Ouch!" she replied.

Carter decided to talk to her, she knew Abby well, and was one of her best friends. Maybe it would help.

"Everything is almost wonderful" he began. "I love her, Susan. We're having a great time together. I also know her pretty well - and I can't help thinking that she is hiding something from me. All I want to do is to help her because it's making her so sad. I've asked her about it, but it just sparks arguments. One of which happened this morning."

Susan listened sympathetically before tentatively answering, "I know she loves you... but we both know how hard she finds the whole 'talking about feelings' concept. Maybe you should let it rest, for a while at least. You're both pretty happy the rest of the time, right?"

"Oh yes" he replied "But I don't like to see her like that, I'm not sure if I can..."

"You might have to" Susan concluded, "I better get back out there. Weaver's radar is bound to pick me up soon and if she finds me hiding out in here I'm not sure if I'll be finishing my shift tonight, see ya Carter."

She turned to leave at the same time as Carter muttered, "Thanks Susan."

Quiet as it was Susan caught it and smiled. Those two were so complicated; both had been through so much. They love each other, but someone or something always seems to get in the way. She sighed as she thought through this, hoping that eventually her two friends would get the 'happily ever after' that they deserved.

* * *

Heavy with fatigue, Abby leant against the admit desk and sighed wearily; earlier, an old lady had arrived in a fairly healthy condition, but crashed in the ER, passing away shortly afterwards. She'd also had to change her scrubs. Twice, those kids in Exam 3 had just kept on throwing up. To make matters worse, the only spare pair she could find were pink ones that she detested. 

After a skilful slalom through the ER to avoid Dr. Weaver and Carter, she headed up to the sanctuary of the roof clutching a coffee and searching for some fresh air and altitudeto clear her head. Once up there, she promptly lit a cigarette, the ash flared a hot red as she sucked in the dose of nicotine it willingly provided. She smiled at the irony, her notion of 'fresh' air being the smoke of a filthy stick of tar. She grasped the Polystyrene cup tensely, the breeze, magnified by the height of the building, blew her unruly hair in a dance over her petite facial features as she contemplated her earlier argument with Carter. She _did_ love Carter, and that scared her. She also found talking about feelings impossible, preferring to hide whenever possible. It was rooted in fear of being hurt and disappointed, to some she seemed detached and methodical but on the inside she was far from cold.

Telling him, played on her mind, should she? If she loved him and he her, surely he would understand. She peered into the muddy dregs of her coffee for enlightenment before remembering with an amused sigh that it was tea leaves that were supposed to solve such dilemmas. She anticipated that his reaction would be disgust, he would judge her and she wouldn't be surprised if he hated her. She couldn't and decided to keep her secret for fear of losing him and the chance at a relationship they had been given.

Once again, the darkness's that existed in her past were suppressed; she sincerely hoped that she could keep them deep within her soul. The ER's knowledge of her mother and family were enough to deal with. She was good at keeping her secrets hidden, it was better than facing the pain. These thoughts had bought ever familiar tears streaking salty lines down her face, at least she was alone – no-one could see her weak alter ego. That only led to questions, leading to a truth that was tearing her apart. The chill on the roof enveloped her and began to get too much;her thoughts so muddled she couldn't stand to think any more. She threw away her spent cigarette and immediatelylit another, after two heavenly puffs, felt ready to return to the craziness that was an ER shift.

* * *

The ER slowed after Abby and Carter's respective breaks, but a steady flow of patients and severe lack of traumas prevented them from crossing paths again. Neither of them had cheered up any, Susan noticed in exasperation. 

"Hey Abby" Susan had caught up with her in the drug closet. "Any Haldol in there?" she continued. Abby looked up, her eyebrows arched questioningly.

"Curtain two" she clarified "a lady who apparently is affecting all the electricity in Illinois. Anyway she won't let us hook her up to any fluids. Psych hasn't come down yet – she got distressed and kicked Yosh somewhere tender."

"Ouch" Abby sympathised, she reached high and grasped the small glass vial "There you go."

The two women walked down the corridor together, Susan tried the same tack she had with Carter earlier.

"Are you okay, you don't seem yourself today?"

"Yes I'm fine" Abby knotted her brows together in a frown, then plastered on an impressive fake smile "I'm sarcastic, pessimistic, normal, old me."

Susan sighed inwardly. Abby was an expert at pretending, but her soulful eyes always gave her away – or as they were at the moment, soulless. She gave up reluctantly.

"Okay, wish me luck, Psych better be here soon. Good job I'm not male" She said trying to lighten the mood, but only drawing a half-smile from Abby.

"Oh I don't know…it could always be arranged, you know" Abby noted dryly. Susan replied with a wide smile.

She watched Abby walk on with some concern, but with a feeling of helplessness. Seeing at first hand Abby's unwillingness to open up stirred up her sympathy for Carter and simultaneous worry for both of her friends' relationship. She was merely left to hope that they would work it out.

_Please let me know what you think... _:)


	4. Boiling tensions and Broken Souls

_A/N: Thanks for the feedback so far, reviews are much appreciated! _

_Disclaimer: Not owning…just borrowing!_

Chapter 3: Boiling Tension and Broken souls

Several hours later, Abby's shift had finished. Her lack of sleep on the previous night meant she was wiped-out. She headed to the lounge in a zombie-like state. Once changed, she grabbed her stuff, slammed her locker shut and turned around, finding Carter stood behind her. His brown eyes cast a searching look over her. She stubbornly stood in silence, remembering how irked she was this morning.

A look of hurt quickly flashed across his face. Carter suppressed it quickly, but it didn't go unnoticed by Abby. He moved towards his locker, removing his wallet, keys and jacket. Meanwhile Abby scrabbled about in the lounge not really wanting to leave things as tense as they were between them. As she got near the door the rational part of her kicked in and she turned around suddenly,

"I'm sor..."

"I didn't..." was said in unison, and both stopped abruptly.

"You go" Abby offered, but Carter waited to hear what she had to say.

"I'm sorry about this morning"

"It's okay...but Abby" he touched her cheek softly so that she met his gaze. "It's just that I think we need to talk about things sometimes...I know that you keep hiding from me." Like this morning, unreasonable anger began to boil inside of her again; she couldn't let him get too close, this, all too often usurped the love and affection that she felt. He was the one person to whom she wanted, but couldn't possibly tell.

"You agreed not to fix me, or help me" She protested.

"Yes, But..."

"You agreed" she emphasised angrily.

His understanding began to disappear from the surface. "Can we be in a relationship if you don't talk to me? Don't you trust me?"

"This isn't about trust Carter." Abby broke the intense eye contact that magnified the tension between the two.

"Then what it is about?" Carter persisted, as Abby continued to look away from him in silence, idly playing with the drawstring of her scrub pants.

She paused silently. Her mouth moved several times before her vocal chords matched the crafted movements, thoughts and sounds together, "I'm here and I care about you, isn't that the most important thing?" she desperately tried to conceal and change the subject, she couldn't reveal the truth, not to him or anyone.

"I love you – you should be able to talk to me" he found his voice raising. Once more she evaded his gaze, she was hiding again.

"Abby" He reached out to lift her chin turning her head gently. His other hand reached for her small palm, holding it gently. As he looked into her deep brown eyes, he was shocked at the lack of expression and sadness that was contained within them. He had hoped that the physical contact would make a connection that his verbal ones couldn't.

"You said that you wouldn't hide anymore, we're still hiding from each other, and _you're_ still hiding from me"

"I know I said that" she softened slightly and gave his hand an affectionate squeeze "but really I'm okay…and I'm not hiding anything" she cringed inwardly for lying and for the ease in which it rolled off of her tongue "Besides, I'm a big girl and can take care of myself"

Carter sighed heavily, it was only Abby who could make him simultaneously ache with love and boil with frustration. His understanding waned now he found himself unable to bite his tongue "Crying in the middle of the night is taking care of yourself?"

He had gone too far; pushing the button that infuriated and upset her, causing a single tear to escape down her cheek. The only way for her to protect herself, was to end it, she had to run. It was what she always did. She knew she would rather feel pain now rather than the immense pain that she would feel if they got closer and her past emerged. Through gritted teeth and suppressed sobs she looked into his eyes, "I can't do this anymore…" Thick walls that enclosed her soul had sprung up with a vengeance at his words. Not even Carter could break through the concrete walls that Abby built around herself, their relationship crashed down around her, and she did run, as she quickly left the hospital.

Carter was stunned for the second time that day; "Shit" was the only word that reeled around in his mind. This morning he had been concerned, but happy. Now, it looked like he had lost the woman that he loved and he didn't know why. Anger surfaced, Abby kept hiding from him, and she had before with her drinking. Why wouldn't she hide one more time, maybe she had been planning to hide forever? He didn't know the answers to any of these questions and was in no state to think clearly about it. He left shortly after Abby, ignoring all goodbyes from his colleagues. At home, functioning on auto-pilot, he showered and changed, collapsing into bed.

Willing sleep to wash over him, he looked across the empty side of the bed at the phone. Her words resonated in his ears every time he decided to call: "I can't do this…", then his anger would rise again, followed by hurt and loving feelings that he would no longer be able to convey to her.

Abby had left quickly, she felt numb on the outside, but her emotions were a whirlwind on the inside of her. The dark streets of Chicago provided eerie comfort and she walked for a long time before going home, a white carrier bag at her side, its contents clinking with every step.

Darkness and silence surrounded her as she cried quietly on her couch; she nursed an unopened beer in her lap, not daring to open it. She sought solace by the smooth feel of the green glass bottle in her hands. Drink: the one demon, that had caused all the trouble in her past and even now she was sober, her past pain had ruined her relationship with Carter. She stopped, chastising herself for blaming alcohol on her problems. She was weak and used it as a coping crutch. She had done then, and she would now as the neck of the beer bottle reached her lips letting the amber liquid burn her throat.


	5. Faraway Longing and Revelations Abound

_A/N: Finally! the revelation is here and here's where it goes waaaay A/U!...hope you enjoy...If you do please let me know and leave a review...thanks :)_

If All Could Be Told.

Chapter 4: Faraway Longing and Revelations Abound.

The next few weeks passed by in a blur for both. Hurt, stubbornness and purposely alternate shifts prevented any contact between the pair. Both were almost silent at work, robotically performing their jobs. Carter had had a surprise one morning, finding a box of his belongings in the lounge. Their co-workers had all noticed, and were keeping a watchful eye on them. On shifts where they had to be working together, exchanges were merely civil, tense and devoid of eye contact. Today proved to be the exception to this coincidental rule, they were both working on the same shift. Abby and Carter were professional enough to keep focused on their individual shifts. In spite of this, furtive glances had been stolen over traumas, each nervously checking to see if the other was okay. Gazes were avoided in corridors and elevators. All chance of communication was feared for its possible consequences.

Every time Carter saw her, something ignited within him. It wasn't the anger he'd expected to feel after these events either. He still felt for her as he had two weeks ago, as he always would. The apparent ruins of their relationship were not what scared him the most, it was their lack of friendship, now just as non-existent as their failed romance. No-one understood him on the level that Abby had and did. Now he had probably lost that, he suddenly felt very alone. Yet there was something about Abby, despite her smart and strong appearance, her façade of strength that he knew she used to hide her biggest vulnerabilities. She used it to hide her drinking before the smallpox scare and he was sure she still used it now. It hurt that she didn't want him to help her.

It was this same stubbornness and hurt that restrained him. Stubbornness that restrained him from talking to her, looking at her, reaching out to brush away that strand of hair from her face, touching her neck, touching the small of her back as they passed in the corridor, kissing her heavenly lips.

Abby felt all this too, she had however, persuaded herself that it would be better this way. She was so used to concealing feelings that even the strength of her love for Carter could be hidden, especially when it dared to come into contact with unwanted memories of her past. Not even Carter, friend-lover-soul mate had managed to get her to confess her deepest agony. Sadly, she knew no-one else would even get close.

Carter had just finished his break. In the ambulance bay he could see through the clear doors, chairs, busy and zoo-like. With Dr. Weaver absent chaos reigned. Abby was stood at the admit desk, her dark hair tied smartly back, revealing the pale nape of her neck. Its graceful curve having many a time been on the receiving end of his kisses. He wanted to go inside and kiss her right then. How could he...they weren't even on speaking terms...not conversationally anyway...he decided there and then, he had to start somewhere. He headed over to the busy desk as Abby turned to leave. Both caught each others gaze for the first time in weeks. Sadness and love wasreflected in her dark irises. He muttered a hopeful, "Hey". This awoke her out of her trance, but her eyes grew cold. She had ignored the flutters from within as looked at his handsome features, held with his shining look of concern. Abby replied with a monotonous "Hey" as she turned and quickly paced away. A single tear escaped down her cheek. This went unnoticed by Carter, in his hurt and bewilderment as he went to grab some charts.

Methodically, Carter scanned the board, whilst sifting through charts that had created a small pile. He successfully ignored Jerry who was making idle conversation, busy ensuring that the rumour mill ran smoothly. Carter's concentration was disrupted by the tail-end of the conversation between an irate Frank and a dark-haired, young-looking woman.

"Abigail Wyczenski, are you sure?" She asked politely, in a sweet tone.

"Look I'm busy, there is no-one here by that name" Frank snapped unreasonably.

At this, Carter headed towards the front of the desk, to behind who he could now see was a petite girl with a waif like stature.

"I'm Dr. Carter, do you need any help?" he enquired towards the girl, but it was Frank who answered first.

"This one needs all the help she can get" Frank murmured sarcastically.

The girl turned around and Carter gave a little cough of surprise. Piercing green eyes were framed by intrusive dark hair. They conveyed her annoyance of Frank who had resumed eating some kind of heart attack inducing snack. High cheekbones moulded her mouth into a wry pout. Carter realised he had stood in silence for a time and corrected it.

"I'm looking for Abigail Wyczenski" she said, "and the desk guy is an asshole" she said emphasising loudly the last part. This young girl, barely 16 or 17 exuded maturity from her sea-green eyes.

"Are you a patient?"

"No I just need to...is she here...I need to ask her..." the girls emotions surfaced and her youth graced her features for the first time.

"Yes, I'll go and see if I can find her" Carter's curiosity superseded any qualms he might have had about talking to Abby. If he was honest he was glad of the excuse for communication. He found her in the supplies cupboard.

"Abby"

On hearing his voice, she at first stayed still, not turning around. He hadn't expected her to. He carried on regardless.

"There's somebody at the admit desk to see you" he continued.

"Who?" She asked, in an unintentionally terse manner.

"I'm not sure, they asked for an 'Abigail Wyczenski' though"

She turned abruptly, her face had contracted with thought; Carter was sure he saw a flash of fear across her face.

"Its not Maggie is it?"

"No, I'd say that wouldn't I? – come out and see for yourself"

Abby obliged and followed Carter out of the supplies cupboard, his presence reassuring the unease that this unknown encounter was creating. The girl once again had her back towards him. Abby lagged behind awkwardly, Carter tapped the girl's shoulder to gain her attention.

"Hey, here she is" Carter said, nodding his head towards Abby. The girl looked Abby up and down and stood in silence for the longest time. Abby meanwhile stood just as nervously at Carter's side. The girl eventually broke the silence.

"My name is Jessica...well, Jess..."

Carter watched Abby's face contort with a mixture of emotion, fear and pain as the girl muttered the words Abby didn't need to have confirmed,

"You're my mom."

Carter was winded with surprise; he glanced from Abby towards Jess and back again. He should have seen it, it was obvious. Jess was what a teenage Abby would have looked like, just as Abby was a thirty-something, slightly less crazy Maggie. Her hair, her pout, her petite figure, her sarcasm...but there were those green eyes, where Abby had chocolate coloured pools. His thoughts tracked back to the situation, god, Abby had a daughter. She hadn't told him. An emotion rose into his chest – not quite anger, but hurt and realisation, was this the secret? and _why_ hadn't she told him? He didn't know when, how, why or the answers to any of these questions – and didn't know if he would ever find out. The shock and surprise caused an awkward silence to descend upon the three, but it was Jess that broke it.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked assertively, the question obviously pointed at Abby.

Carter interrupted at this point, it probably wasn't a good idea to eavesdrop, despite the shock of the situation and his concern for Abby, and he was unsure whether she'd want him to be around.

"I should go" he said "Leave you two to catch up"

Abby had a shell shocked expression, she'd imagined this moment many times, with fear and with hope. All though she'd been able to suppress this secret from others, there was not a day where she didn't think about it and about her daughter Jess. She looked at the young girl in front of her, she was more beautiful than she remembered, but she had been tiny then. She was surprised that she looked so like her, and hoped she hadn't inherited any of her bad traits; hopefully Jess had been lucky, there were a lot of them. She looked up at Carter her eyes pleaded with him not to leave. She felt scared for herself, what did Jess think of her, and scared for her daughter, what had she been through and scared of Carter's reaction.

Her thought processes where whirring with this, she murmured her reply to the wide eyed girl stood I front of her. "Yes" she stated simply.

"I realise you're at work right now. Can I meet you sometime this week?"

Carter was again surprised at the girl's maturity, her plans were stated in an unnervingly cool and clinical manner, and not a trace of emotion was revealed on the outside at least, except for her glistening eyes.

"Yes" said Abby, still too shocked to find an alternative phrase.

"On Saturday, at noon? At that café outside here" Jess said referring to Doc Magoo's.

Abby nodded affirmatively; convulsively she reached out to touch Jess's pale cheek.

"You're really here" She whispered slowly. Then, catching her emotions, she abruptly pulled her hand away.

"Saturday then" said Jess matter-of-factly. She turned and walked a couple of paces away before turning back and saying, "Thank you"

They both watched the girl retreat, thorough the ambulance bay until her dark head of hair completely disappeared. Abby stood still, eyes wide, seemingly numb, the secret that she had tried to hide from everyone and herself. The thing that caused her torrents of pain and tears, the thing that had torn up many a relationship had overtly declared itself to the audience of the ER and worst of all, Carter.

He was still by her side, watching and waiting for her to speak. Instead she just stared outside into the ambulance bay, her eyes sad, brimming with tears that she wouldn't allow to fall. Carter couldn't bear the obvious pain he could see in her eyes and broke the silence.

"Abby" he said gently.

His voice bought, reality crashing back around her, Jess had been, here, everyone else would soon know what Carter knew. The concrete exterior she had built up felt very fragile. She was reminded of her past self – whom she thought awful, the memories of this person causing her untold pain. Her insides screamed as she fled to the lounge, grabbing her jacket, oblivious to Carter chasing and calling her name. He followed her, but she continually ignored him.

"Carter" she began nastily, but rebuked herself as her emotions rose, her tone became pleading.

"Please leave me alone"

He ignored this request, and followed. She turned, tossing back her dark hair and putting her hand on his chest. She raised her voice as it cracked, full of emotion.

"Leave me alone!" was the second attempt.

Her pace quickened, she too headed out of the doors into the ambulance bay. The second person Carter had watched retreat this way. He was left to himself to protest the last part.

"But it's pouring outside!"

Susan meanwhile, had entered the ER from the elevator, having chased up some missing labs. She had arrived to see Abby rushing out of the hospital, in an uncharacteristically emotional manner. She looked toward Carter who looked like he too had been hit himself by some sort of emotional pick-up truck. He answered the question read from her concerned expression, "She's not okay, Susan...I can't say, someone will fill you in" He thought about the state she was in, someone had to help her, or at least to try. Despite what had happened between them, he still cared enough to do so. Cared, if Carter admitted it, he still loved her. His mind went through all the stupid things she could possibly do, from drinking a brewery... to a scarier, unthinkable situation. He shook those thoughts from his mind. He had to find her. Fast.

"I've got to go" said Carter, Susan nodded.

"Will you cover for us?"

"Yes, of course...let me know" her took on a tone of worry. She felt a flutter of unease at what she had witnessed.

"Thank you"

Carter hurriedly changed and bolted out of the hospital, leaving a concerned Susan in the dark.


	6. Running Scared and Exposed Pain

_A/N: Thanks for reading and if you like it...or loathe...please review :)_

_Disclaimer: ER and its characters do not belong to me...but Jess does!_

If All Could Be Told

Chapter 5: Running Scared and Exposed Pain

Heavy clouds caused the sheets of water to pour torrentially on the darkened streets of Chicago. Carter thought about Abby's mindset, she wouldn't have taken the EL; there would be too many people around to see her in her emotional state. So, he drove his Jeep along the likeliest route, scanning every soaking pavement intently, hoping he'd find her. She was sure to be drenched, he thought, as the rain drowned the streets.

The wipers on his window-screen were working overtime. There were many silhouettes, walking the streets of Chicago; he finally came across her the only one without an umbrella. The rashly quick pace with which she had left the ER had slowed to a snail-like dawdle. He pulled up a little way further along the street and waited for her to wander by.

In his rear mirror, he could see she was near. He got out of the Jeep, and headed towards her. She didn't see him at first. She was soaked to the skin, wet hair sticking to her face, clothes dripping. He could hear her shivering, as she looked up and spoke, "I told you to leave me." Her voice was flat and without expression.Tiny as she was, she managed to push past Carter's strong frame. As she went by, he noticed a sodden paper bag in her hand bearing the name of a nearby liquor store.Once she had stepped away from Carter, he turned suddenly, gently catching her arm but holding it firmly.

"Don't…" Weariness and warning was plainly evident in her tone. Her head turned to face him.

His eyes travelled from his hand, up her arm. Familiar fluttersrose as he took in every inch of her and stopped as his eyes met her brown irises.

"I can't just leave you"

Seeing the intense compassion in his eyes broke her soul in two. He cared so much, now it was different, he knew, yet he didn't know enough. She was afraid he would hate her, once he knew the whole truth. Her thoughts focused on him, his care and compassion. She was confused, hurt, scared, the weight of all the worry and events of the day made her knees buckle and she began to fall.

As his arms came around her tiny frame, the constant trickle of tears inseparable from the raindrops that streaked her damp face. She grasped on to his comfort, drowning in the hug he offered her. Although Carter knew Abby, he had never once seen her as emotional, she hadn't let him. He had always encountered her strong persona, the Abby that talked, loved and fought, lashing everyone with her biting wit and deadpan sarcasm, even when her eyes betrayed her turmoil. Now, the vulnerability of the strongest person he knew absolutely terrified him. Abby had never seemed to be further from herself than now. He stood holding her tightly for a while. As the rain pelted harder, he lifted her up, carrying her to his Jeep.

The journey to Carter's house commenced in silence, Abby stared out of her window, and her red eyes still not finished shedding their tears. Carter perturbed by the events, concentrated on his driving, as they arrived, he glanced over to see her snoring softly, emotional exhaustion had taken its toll.

He carried her in, gently waking her. She had a shower and changed, performing these tasks robotically, fatigue causing her to fall asleep soon after. He watched her chest rise and fall with peaceful snores; once again his heart was tugged by the thing that was hurting her so much. Now he had been enlightened he began to wonder what she'd been through. Was there more for her to tell, and would she let him in?

Abby awoke, her usual morning hazes made her forget at first where she was. As she came to her senses she remembered all the events from yesterday, her stomach sunk to the floor. She felt afraid all over again, her past was haunting her still. She dressed silently, as she opened the bedroom door, she saw Carter, horizontal on his cream leather sofa, his legs hanging off of the end. She smiled slightly at this sight. After her sleep, she had regained her composure at least. Carter would want to talk, to know. She wanted to stay, but the voice that in her head told her to run, and to leave. Stepping quietly through the room, she began to undo the door chain as quietly as possible.

The chain was temperamental and stuck fast. Abby scrabbled desperately with the metal, which didn't work as quietly as she would've liked.

"Not staying for breakfast?" A voice travelled over her left shoulder. He had heard the chain. She turned slowly around, cursing the door chain in her head. "Don't you want to talk about yesterday?" As wakefulness returned to him, so did his concern it urged him to persist, to try and get Abby to talk.

"Nope, I'm fine now" She pretended as her heart protested otherwise.

"You have a funny impression of 'fine'" he was beginning to get annoyed, after all he had done, she still wouldn't talk to him. She saw the flash of anger in his eyes where concern usually rested. She felt guilty and ashamed. He didn't stop, he had opened up a long-silenced source of annoyance, "Whilst we were together, you cried on this very sofa, and ignored my offers of help, last night there was a different Abby, I know you're hurting, about Jess, about something. I care about you...dammit I love you. Let me help you"

He shouldn't care so much, she thought. She was selfish and bad...Jess was the embodiment of all her selfish acts and a reminder of her pains.

"Please...Don't" she whimpered sadly.

"No" he raised his voice slightly; she saw his jaw-line tense up. It did that when he was being serious or angry. She loved that she could tell this, read his expressions like this. Her mind travelled back to the moment, he was still talking.

"...I'm not leaving you alone after…everything; you can't say anything to make me think you're okay. I know you're not, please talk to me..."

Abby stared across at the figure in front. If he hadn't have had such severe bed-hair, brown tufts sticking up in an undisciplined but rather cute manner, that contrasted the look of vehemence on his face, she could have walked out there and then. His capacity, to care, to feel for people amazed her, she viewed it with both disdain: she considered it a weakness to wear your heart on your sleeve and envy.

Looking at his stubborn expression of concern, she was tired of fighting. Maybe if she told him the truth, he would hate her enough to leave her alone, alone with her thoughts and alone with her past.

She began to mutter quietly through his speech, "Okay"

"...What?"

"I'll tell you"

"Everything?" He arched his eyebrows in surprise.

"Everything" she sighed.


	7. Silence Defeated: Compassionate Friend

_A/N: Okay, so the angst isn't quite letting up yet, but it's still full of Carbyness! Hope you enjoy…and please review!_

_Disclaimer: Only Jess is my creation! I'm just playing with the rest._

If All Could Be Told

Chapter 6: Silence Defeated: Compassionate Friend.

She had it planned out; she'd calmly tell him and be able to leave. Simple. She moved away from the door. Carter shifted his body so she could sit next to him on the sofa. She sat silently, in the darkly lit room; it fitted the confessions of a darkened soul perfectly. She played idly with the throw that was underneath Carter. He desperately wanted to reach out and touch her, to hold her and take her pain away. He managed to restrain himself, as he gazed at her waiting for her to talk. She began slowly unable to meet the intense gaze he had fixed her with. She drew a deep breath in as she spoke. Willing any left tears to stay where they were.

"I was eighteen...In my freshman college year I met a guy called Jared, the result was Jess." She stopped expecting him to comment, he sat silently for a while then said, "I'm just going to listen...go on..."

She shifted further away from him as she continued to speak, "I had to drop out of college to look after my baby" She said 'baby' with a wistful affection accompanied by a sadness he had never seen from her. She carried on, "Jared got fed up pretty quickly, and split before she was three months"

She suddenly fell silent, bringing her knees up towards her chest and hugging them tightly, but now she had began to open up, Carter wanted her to tell all, afraid that she would close up on him again, "So you gave her up for adoption?" he questioned.

She began to laugh, which quickly gave way as sobs rose up in her throat, she let out a funny noise as she suppressed them, but a trickle from her eyes betrayed her emotion.

"I wish I could tell you that were wholly true" She said avoiding his eyes again.

"What happened Abby?" he knew he was close to the truth. Maybe then he could help her.

"Remember our first fudge sundae at Doc Magoo's?" Her face gave away a small smile at the memory, before it disappeared quickly. Carter nodded his answer, encouraging her to continue.

"I told you I'd been sober for six years...and that's true, but I'd first started drinking heavily in my teens, I guess I used it as a way to forget about Maggie…I'd moved out and moved on but I felt guilty about leaving Eric behind too. I'd had to leave my baby brother alone with her. It started towards the end of my senior high school year actually...it's amazing I ever graduated." She smiled lightly at this, but this expression quickly left her face. "Once I found out I was pregnant I managed to stop. I could feel the tiny baby inside me and it changed me for the better. But then she was born. Jared left me to it, now I was a single-mom, It was history repeating itself again, I was my mom. I was sure that I was going to develop the disease...old habits die hard I guess and its not an excuse but I drank...I shouldn't have, but I gave in and drank. Night after night I'd drink whilst my baby girl was asleep. I never neglected her; I just couldn't stop drinking… my neighbour popped in once, and saw the numerous empty beer and spirit bottles"

Tears streamed down her face. He felt her pain, he could never have imagined that the Abby he knew would do such a thing. He didn't believe it. He let her continue.

"This attracted their attention, when she was nine months. They called social services; they came round and offered me help with my drinking. I could have fought to get better, but I thought it was best to let her go to someone who would care for her properly. It was for the best. I just didn't realise how much I could love another person. At the time I was too numbed by the alcohol to see it. I could've fought, I should have fought to get better. I let them take my baby. Hell, I shouldn't have been so weak as to drink in the first place. She was just a baby."

"You were a still a child yourself" he said finally.

"Eighteen is still old enough to be in control, I couldn't even do that"

"You were very young" he tried to reassure her.

Now that she had started she couldn't stop. Long suppressed these secrets flowed form her soul, an exorcism of the guilt and pain she was feeling. She tried to gauge his reaction, to see if disgust or disbelief crossed his face at any point. His expression however, remained neutral. She hadn't finished, the rest of her tale she was sure it would incite disgust from him. After all, she had been disgusted with herself for years. She ventured to meet his eyes, his beautiful irises, but looked away soon after his gaze only asking her to reveal all.

"When I was married to Richard, I got pregnant again. I was terrified, I couldn't go through it all again after Jess, so...I...I had an abortion. She began to sob again, all her pains now laid bare. He sat mulling this over, he hadn't realised the baggage that Abby carried was so painful to her. He could understand her reluctance to tell, yet despite these events he knew she was a different person now, it was this person that he knew and still loved.

"You hate me now" She declared.

"I could never hate you" he replied sincerely. He put his hand on hers as he said this. The action at first startled her, but then she held his hand in hers lightly stroking it for comfort, a habit retained from their relationship.

"You should, and so should Jess, she is better off not knowing me" She didn't want to believe these words, she had loved Jess and still did, despite her long absence from Abby's life.

"You're a different person now, I know that, you're caring, kind..."

"If you're so sure about that" she said quietly, moving her gaze towards the paper bag now on Carter's coffee table. He followed her gaze, and saw it. He had forgotten all about the liquor bottle he had found her with yesterday. He looked back at her sitting silently. "It's still my crutch" she admitted sadly.

Carter had picked up the bottle whilst she spoke, "You didn't open it at least," he stated in an optimistic tone.

"We both know that's not the real issue" She said matter-of-factly.

"I know that, but what about Jess, she's here, you get your chance again, that's something to be grateful for"

"But what if she does hate me...I wouldn't blame her" Her eyes grew sad.

"She found you and she came. That counts for something." he reasoned.

"I know, I've pictured this so many times since I lost her but... I'm so scared John. I'm not sure I can get hurt again, and I'd never forgive myself if I hurt that beautiful girl again."

Abby began to cry again, she wasn't used to feeling outwardly so much. She began to think she'd never stop.

"You know..." Carter pondered out loud, "She seems to be made of pretty strong stuff, like her mom"

"Yea?" Abby said. "Even after…everything?"

"Even after all that" he echoed sincerely. He watched her eyes calm down.

"I don't deserve you. Even as a friend"

"Of course you do, I want to help you, I always did, you just kept it from me, and you pushed me away."

He expected her response to be a barrel of defensive vitriol at this. To his surprise she remained quiet for a moment.

"I know..." She looked away from his penetrating gaze once again. "I wanted to tell you so much... but I couldn't...I hadn't faced it myself, for years. I was selfish. I didn't realise what it was doing to us."

"Ssh..." His restraint failed him now. He reached out to her enclosing his arms around her body. She gratefully received this embrace, allowing herself to become once again lost in it. They stayed like this for a while or so, Abby felt safer now than ever, Carter knew her whole being now, the last of her secrets told. She was completely vulnerable to this one person, he knew all her flaws. She'd let him see her raw emotions. She was afraid to admit it. She loved him. Carter forgot the events of weeks past, he was glad Abby had shared this, it was painful to him to have watched it eat her up inside for so long. Now he could help her, and it was all he was ever going to want to do.

_and now you've read...please review!_


	8. Past Territory: Present Fears

_A/N: If you're still reading...hope you enjoy this chapter and please let me know what you think!_

_Disclaimer: Nope, not mine._

If All Could Be Told

Chapter 7: Past Territory: Present Fears.

Abby wriggled out of the comfortable embrace. Although she had begun to exorcise some of her demons, she knew this was just the start. Carter had helped her so much, even when she tried so hard to push him away, even as he found out about her past. This thought overwhelmed her. Her hand reached towards his chin, she traced its defined structure softly with her fingers. Electricity prickled the back of her neck as she touched him lightly. She said what she needed to say, "Thank you" It was simple, but her eyes communicated the unspoken volumes. He nodded simply, his recognition of the gesture conveyed. His focus moved from Abby's expressive eyes, towards her lips. Lips he knew very well, and wanted to re-acquaint with. He cupped her chin into his hands as his lips tentatively brushed hers. He pulled away, nervously awaiting a reaction.

The kiss Carter had initiated, absorbed her whole being, her past fluttered away in the one second that their lips touched. With Carter she felt safe, no matter how much she had tried to hide it. This one kiss despite its hesitancy, replaced all the absent kisses over the past couple of weeks. Carter searched the intent gaze that she had fixed him with. Eternity like seconds passed as she reached up lightly pressing a finger upon his lips, then drawing her hand away. So far, Abby had allowed herself to be swept along in the moment; her head however took over the feelings that swelled in her heart. Suddenly she broke away from the embrace silent tears pouring down her face. Carter felt her pull away from the kiss and immediately felt a pang in his chest.

"Don't cry, baby" Carter whispered as he put hid hand up to wipe the tears away from her glistening eyes. He leaned in towards her again, Abby darted her head downwards, "I'm sorry...I can't do this" She fixed her gaze away from Carter unable to face the look of hurt that had crept up onto his face. She grasped for her cigarette box, opening the lid as she smoothly slid out the nicotine containing stick automatically she placed it between her lips putting the lighter towards her face. The ash flared and glowed orange as she puffed letting wisps of smoke escape from the end. As calming nicotine coursed through her body, silence descended.

Carter gently broke the heavy quiet, "Why not?"

"Because..." Abby let more wisps of smoke escape from her mouth "Because...I'm a drunk, a terrible mother, daughter and sister – a professional screw-up. You're kind, caring, generous and sweet... you could do better than me. I've only ever hurt everyone else around me...I don't want to do the same to you." Carter let out an exasperated sigh, Abby he knew and loved was eternally pessimistic but it broke his heart to know that the scars that she bore from her past affected her so deeply and prominently by causing her to think this way. Before she could love him properly she had to learn how to love herself. Her reasoning swept over him, for a long time he had told her that he thought oppositely about her. When they were together, as a couple and friends she could never accept any kind of compliments. He had always suspected that this was a defence mechanism but just now he realised how deep it ran. Grudgingly he had to accept this, "You know that I'm going to say that none of that is remotely true... and I mean it. Even if it was…it wouldn't matter"

"John. I just need time... to think, or something."

"Ooh… that could be dangerous for us all" he joked trying to lighten the sombre mood.

"Hey" She replied half-heartedly.

Carter was disappointed; he didn't want then to waste more time being apart. As much as he felt this, his caring nature prevailed. Abby needed a friend and Carter intended to try and be the best one that he could be.

Although sat next to each other, there was an unusual lack of body contact that proliferated between the two of them. The conversation had fizzled out into a comfortable silence Carter sat quietly mulling over everything. Abby played idly with her fringe, pulling the dark tendrils off of her face and out of her eyes; she broke the silence unexpectedly, "Thank you."

Carter's attention was immediately grabbed by this simple statement, he replied by looking directly into her eyes. He moved towards her putting his hand on hers tracing gentle circles from her wrists to the tips of her fingers. The perfect silence and remarkable feeling of peace between the two was shattered by a small but audible grumble that evoked a smirk from Carter, and a realisation that the events of the morning have taken them to around lunchtime.

"Wow - someone's hungry" His mouth twitched at its corners.

Instinctively, his hand moved to brush her stomach, to the source of the grumble. Carter quickly realised the gravity of the gesture and removed the touch as quickly as it was placed. Neither of them could ignore the flutter that both of them felt, however, Abby did her best to mask it jumping quickly out of her sitting position.

"Is it okay if I go and make a sandwich or something?"

That Abby asked such a question, to do something she has done unasked a million times before only increased the awkwardness of the moment.

Carter nodded in agreement before she darted quickly in the kitchen. He listened to the clunking in the adjacent room, shortly Abby appeared again a skyscraper of sandwiches balanced precariously on the plate. Carter chuckled knowingly, despite Abby's tiny frame she could eat like a guy and could probably finish all the sandwiches by herself. As she began to put down the tray she looked at him, and clocking his amused expression, it dawned on her the thought that was running through his mind.

"Those are for you as well you know" she said through a mouthful of sandwich.

"Really, that looks like an Abby sized portion to me" She gave Carter a look but it was betrayed by a small smile as she pulled the plate from the middle of the table towards her.

"So you're not hungry then" She grinned whilst chewing a mouthful of bread, Carter's love for her even made even this rather unattractive sight become endearing. She pulled the plate towards her.

"I didn't say that" Carter motioned to grab the moving plate almost causing a sandwich avalanche.

"Please" he whined, "I'm starving" She relented quickly, motioning the plate towards him. He picked up a sandwich of his own, but took a bite out of the unguarded one in Abby's grasp.

"Hey" she cried her tone one of mock anger. "Eat your own!" After this outburst the two settled into silence once more, devouring the sandwiches had put a stopper to any possible conversation. The plate was left empty, only a few crumbs remaining. Through the resumed silence Abby became more restless She picked up a magazine that rested on the coffee table, flicked through a couple of the garishly printed pages and put it aside. Then she picked up a long abandoned mug, with only freezing dregs of the caffeine laden liquid left. She held the mug between her small hands as she thoughtful statement escaped her lips, "Do you want some coffee?" She asked with raised eyebrows, her dark irises fully shining out of her face. On Carter's affirmative nod she promptly got up. He heard the clunking of various pieces of crockery and the nosy whirr of the coffee machine. In no time at all Abby's petite frame entered the room, she clutched two steaming mugs matching the empty one still sat on the table. As soon as she sat down she spotted the offending empty cup, and the sandwich plate.

"I forgot" she stated simply. As she made her way over to the kitchen once more and the pot clanged as they were put into the dishwasher.

Carter observed this with great concern, Abby was never, tidy, and never was this neurotic about cleanliness. She entered the room once more and fidgeted continually beside him.

"Abby...?" He started to question, but she cut the start of his question off with an answer.

"It's Saturday tomorrow" She stated bluntly.

Carter had to furrow his brow for a second until the realisation dawned, "Jess" he whispered quietly.

"Tomorrow, she wants to talk, what am I going to say? what can I say to her?...what is she going to say to me. This is the thing I most wanted and feared for a long time...I'm not sure if I can do it." Abby's voice cracked under the raw emotions that had surfaced once again. Her dark eyes leaked hot tears once more worsening their already puffy appearance. Carter moved closer to her once again, now glad that she could share this with him, he was ready to help and obliged once more putting his hand on hers.

"All you can do is tell her the truth, what you've told me"

"She'll hate me."

"I can't deny that that will be a possibility, but the truth is probably the best thing for both of you, you can't hide from it any more, and I'm not sure that hiding the truth is the best thing for Jess either. Tell her the truth, and that you love her... 'cause that's the truth as well right?"

"Yes" Abby replied mid-sob. "It's just I don't think I can lose her again, I know I don't know her, or have any right to think this way, it's just that I love her so much, I always have."

"That's all that matters, and if she sees what I see in you, she'll want to find out all about her smart, pretty, caring mom who through all her mistakes still manages to be a beautiful person. You've got this chance to get to know your daughter again, Abby." He lifted her chin slowly so her eyes met his.

"Take this chance, don't miss it...there's too much regret already don't make yourself suffer any more." Simultaneously overwhelmed by her worries and the profound advice given to her by Carter she sobbed once more, as if she'd broken down a dam inside of her soul.

"Carter..." She began wanting to thank him, instead he placed his finger on his lips to shush her. It brushed her cheek and removed the tears before he encapsulated her into a giant hug. They fell asleep this way, in this embrace. Carter's chin nestles on her dark head of hair. He could smell the comforting scent of coconut shampoo. Her head rested in the curve of his neck, her light snores tickled the front of his throat. Hands and fingers intertwined as one, an old habit that they had helplessly returned to, and the comfort of familiarity pleased them both.


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Woah it's been ages...lots of apologies! Hope you enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, except the character Jess!_

If All Could be Told

Chapter 8: Laughter, Longing and a Serious Talk

It was Carter that awoke with a start. He kept as still as possible upon realising the way he had fallen asleep. Their bodies had become tangled in the familiar manner that always occurred when they slept closely together. As a couple they couldn't sleep without experiencing a closeness of some-kind. He felt his hand in Abby's as his long fingers easily stroked her knuckles. He brushed her unruly hair off of her face so that he could see her eyes. He watched for awhile as her lashes and lids sporadically flickered. She was dreaming. He hoped that it was something, happy and painless, to comfort her and lessen her worry. He held her contentedly, intoxicated as he had always been by her. She was so complex, and as he now knew had been through more than he could have ever imagined. He was comforted by the fact that he could help her; she was letting him in, by telling him, right? There was always the risk that she would close up again and not talk to him. He was worried for her, and for himself, as he wondered what tomorrow would bring. Suddenly, he was shaken out of his reverie. He glanced over to the clock that was the centre of the mantelpiece.Through a neon glow he could seethe digits: 23:00.

"Shit" Carter whispered out loud, he had a shift starting at 12, a twelve hour, graveyard shift. He'd had to make up for leaving his shift and chasing after Abby the previous day. He had phoned up the hospital to sort everything out and had landed himself this shift, he hadn't had much choice having to placate an angry Dr. Weaver and her scary crutch. Deciding that leaving Abby whilst she was asleep and in the emotional state she was in was not a good idea, he gently shook her awake.

"Abby, Abby...Abs"

"Ummmm" was the groan uttered from sleepy Abby. He smiled at this, watching asher eyes fluttered open.

"I've got a shift in an hour, I'm going to take a shower, I'm on till noon tomorrow...stay if you like" he tagged this hopeful statement on the end.

However, he was disappointed when she began to get up, "I'd better go too, y'know, do the shower and clean clothes thing myself... and to think about tomorrow" she added thoughtfully.

"Okay" He replied masking his disappointment well.

She motioned to grab her jacket that had rested on the radiator throughout the night, "It's still wet" She sighed.

Carter had already anticipated this and upon a quick search of his closet he had found a small jacket he'd kept since he was a teenager. Carter had always been slim, but as a teenager he had been lanky and skinny. Abby surveyed the garment with a smirk, "What?" Carter protested defensively.

"How did you ever fit into this, its tiny? And talk about eighties throwbacks on the catwalk. A shell suit jacket, very retro" She giggled.

"It Adidas, Abby" he said defensively. "And I've had it since I was sixteen…and back then, I was kind of skinny"

"Did it match your perm?" She mocked.

"Hey, you're the one modelling the complete John Carter wardrobe". It was true. Most of Abby's clothes were still sopping and she had gotten dressed in an old T-shirt of Carter's. Over the top she wore a Chicago Bears hooded top. The oversized garment swamping her petite frame, the sleeves had been rolled up several times to give her use of her hands.

"These are mine though" She replied petulantly, her hand playing with the cord of some tracksuit bottoms of hers Carter had still had buried at the back of his closet.

She accepted the coat; it would be freezing outside, now it was Carter's turn to laugh at her mismatched outfit. The sleeves of the jacket rolled past her fingers, the bottom settling well below her buttocks swamping her tiny frame.

"Hey, no fair, it's not like I have a choice." She whined.

"I just wish that I'd had a camera right now" At this, with a smile, she tapped him playfully on the arm. The expression on her face grew serious and she put her hands in the pocket of the jacket nervously, "John...?"

"Yes"

"You've done so much for me already, but..." he read her once more. She needed a friend to sit with her tomorrow morning before Jess showed up.

"I'll be there at 11:30"

"Oh, I forgot" She said sheepishly "no matter...your shift"

"I'll be there" he confirmed.

"John"

"Yes"

"Thank you…again...for everything"

She looked up to meet his gaze, instinctive love and affection led her to tiptoe and brush his cheek with her lips. Immediately aware of the implication, she pulled away, avoiding his gaze. She'd let her heart over-rule her head once more, "See you" She whispered quietly.

"Take care out there, its nearly 11:30."

Carter watched her leave, thoughts of love swimming around in his head. Sure, they were friends again but that wasn't enough, he wanted her back, issues and all. But now he had to be there for her, and his shift was now only 40 minutes away.

* * *

He entered the doors of County General about twenty minutes after he said goodbye to Abby. He was soon accosted by an exiting Susan. She nodded towards the lounge, her blonde hair a tangled mess that marked the end of a hectic shift. The dimly lit lounge was refuge from the neon hospital lights that made his eyes ache on entering through the automatic doors. 

"How is she?" was her obvious question.

"As well as she can be under the circumstances, we talked about it a bit; she's been through so much Susan, So much all by herself."

"At least she's talking now, that's progress" She smiled kindly.

Carter's face darkened, his worry for Abby surfaced protectively, "How much do people know?"

"Just that Jess is Abby's daughter, and that Abby left work in a state yesterday afternoon. Frank and Jerry have been quite restrained, hell, maybe even concerned. Tongues haven't been wagging as much as usual. Everyone's worried really"

Carter's expression softened at this news, "I can't say anymore..."

"I know" Susan nodded understandingly. "Just let her know that we're here for her".

"I will"

Carter began to make his way over to the lounge when Susan spoke again calling after him, "Carter, how are you doing?"

"Okay, I think...but I miss her Susan, we're friends again, but it's not enough, the closeness but the distance is killing me"

Susan observed her friend, this was complex, Abby and Carter always had been. However, she knew both to care for each other deeply. From what she ad heard Abby and Carter had danced around each other long before her return to the ER. She had watched this herself, until the smallpox scare, but had watched her friends' bliss turn, to sour pain for both of then.

"Carter, does she know what you want?"

"Yea, I never wanted us to be apart in the first place"

"This is not what you're going to want to hear" Susan began breathing in heavily, "And I'm going to stoop so low as to litter my advice with cliché, you've got to give her time. This stuff with Jess, its probably resurfaced feelings that she never thought she would have to face. You know better than most how it's affecting her. You've got to be a friend; anything else right now has to be up to her."

Carter smiled slightly at her words, "I know all of this really, I just needed to hear it out loud, and from a slightly saner person than myself"

"Who's that then?" Susan joked, evoking a small but definite laugh from Carter.

"Thank you" Carter smiled genuinely, through his laughter.

"Just keep me posted, on the progress of my favourite are-they/aren't they couple, okay?"

"Okay"

"And take care of Abby, you know she comes across all strong, but she's just as soft on the inside as the rest of us" Her tone had become more serious.

"You've no idea" Carter said softly, casting his gaze in a faraway manner past her. Susan saw fatigue and sadness in his eyes as he said this, he wore his feelings on his sleeve. Completely the opposite to Abby Susan noted. She cared for them both and wanted whatever events that were coming to pass to reduce the pain for both of them. Carter escaped his daydream, the realities of his shift dawning on him, "Uh...Susan?" he had remembered something important, "Would you cover the last hour of my shift 11 till noon...I want to be with Abby, she's going to meet Jess"

He felt guilty asking, seeing the look of fatigue that washed across Susan's face, "No problem, I want to help Abby through this some way...and it's only an hour"

Carter smiled gratefully, "You're a star, thank you"

"I know...I don't do autographs though, so don't bother asking" she grinned

"Okay I won't...better go, Weaver's already mad at me – don't feed the flames... or something like that"

"Nah, We all know you're her favourite"

"Not if she catches me hiding out in here with you"

"Yeah, you're probably right...take care Carter, of the both of you" Susan put a comforting hand on his arm. Carter knew she was a diamond friend, any history they had just made their friendship stronger. Carter was often glad of Susan's presence in his life, not to mention, her endless fountain of sound advice. She smiled back at him once more before leaving him in alone in the lounge to his thoughts.

_Thanks for reading...if you enjoyed, i'd love to know._


	10. Guilty Pains: Present Cares

If All Could Be Told

_Disclaimer:I don't own ER or the characters._

Chapter 9: Guilty Pains: Present Cares.

Abby arrived outside the familiar entrance to her apartment. She punched in her code at the entrance waiting for the beep that permitted her entry. Reaching her door and turning the key, she had to give it some violent persuasion before it opened.

Dropping her keys on the small table, she promptly collapsed onto her couch. Deep red, the old couch although somewhat frayed, provided the squishy comfort that only aged furniture could. This was the first time that she had been alone since her night time walk in the rain; emotional exhaustion was finally taking its toll. She was still bewildered by the events; confusion ate at her very core. She was ecstatic to have seen Jess, in the flesh and apparently healthy, this was accompanied by fear, for what had come, and guilt, for what had passed. Emotions coursed through her whole body, she disliked this, and usually she could quash them instantly. That particular wound had just been patched and now, was freshly raw once again.

Thoughts of Carter surfaced from within the whirring motions of her pondering; these thoughts were coupled with a stirring from within her stomach. They had never really disappeared, her feelings for John Carter, friend and soulmate. Not that she'd admitted it. Abby had since continued to delude herself that there was real reason for it and that she didn't really love Carter. She was unlovable, and resigned to being alone, after all, she didn't want to get hurt again.

Grabbing the remote and flicking on the television, she was contented to watch the black and white static, flicker hypnotically across the screen. Her thoughts and emotions continued to stir, but her tears were spent, her eyes too tired to respond to the whirlpool of feeling inside. She fell asleep where she was sitting, still in the garish blue coat Carter had given her to wear.

She gently stirred awake the next morning. It took a while for her to realise that she was still on the couch, and was reminded only shortly afterwards by a searing pain from her shoulders to her neck, "aaah...jeez" She exclaimed tamely as she straightened to a sitting position. Fatigue still penetrated her bones, as she shook off sleep and came to her senses. Her stomach sunk heavily releasing a thousand butterflies. It had come. It was Saturday, a day she had imagined for 16 years, and yet a day she'd never dare think would actually happen, and a day she could never prepare for. The time on the nearby clock, burned its crimson information into her eyes: 9am. This made the sinking feeling even worse.

Groggily, she padded over to the kitchen, getting a caffeine fix was essential to the survival of any day, not least a day as potentially traumatic as this. Drunk dangerously fast, she headed towards the bathroom. The mirror was unforgiving, despite successful sleep, her eyes remained red from all of the crying, framed by purple rings, her skin tone was sallow looking. God, she was a mess. The cool water attempted to remedy this, it was soothing, the cold on her skin diverted her racing thoughts for a moment.

It had done her good, her skin was a better tone, and her eyes were nothing that a light bit of make-up wouldn't fix. She dressed and applied her make-up swiftly. She brushed out the temperamental tangles in her dark hair, tying it loosely at the nape of her neck. Her nervousness had had her ready in less than half an hour. It was 9:45am she still had a couple of hours. Breakfast would have normally been on the cards, except that the fluttering in her stomach had turned from simple nerves to full-blown nausea. Her fear and worries again dominated her thoughts now there was nothing to distract her.

Later she had managed to kill half-an-hour channel surfing, her attention not functioning enough for any programmed to keep her occupied for more than a few minutes. Using the remote satisfied her nervous urge to fidget, a habit of hers which she smiled, often caused Carter some chagrin. Distraction had so far proved to be an unsuccessful tactic. All she could think about was Jess. What was she going to say to her? How could she tell her little girl about why she had ended up with strangers? It wasn't an option not to, she owed her the truth. Would Jess be angry, what would she say? Abby wondered, as she often had, what would she be like, her interests, personality, her mannerisms...would they be like hers, her fathers? Would there be any right words to use? Abby knew that she would soon have the solutions to these questions, but she was terrified of what Jess could have to say.

Abby got up off of the couch and headed into her bedroom. She tottered around the piles of books, journals and clothes. Abby kept her mess contradictorily organised into piles of stuff. Forcing the closet door open, knocking over a pile of magazines, she tiptoed, just reaching a cardboard box on the top shelf. The box was extremely dusty; she regretted patting the lid as she disappeared behind a dust cloud. Reaching inside she pulled out a book. The cover was dirty and dusty like the box, but had retained its baby pink tinge in the centre. The inside pages revealed some photographs, the book had kept them in a pristine condition. They were of a smiling child. A newborn, eyes shut; a small jet of dark hair over her small head. Another picture filled with, high dimples, and more dark hair, wide eyes of laughter reveal bright green irises. It was the first time Abby had seen these pictures in fifteen years. The photos abandoned, hidden and suppressed just like her memories...kept a secret, to prevent the pain.

Abby traced the outline of her baby daughter's face. Her favourite picture was one of Jess grinning but with eyes full of tears. After the picture and on production of a toy, her tears had turned to giggles. Only now was Abby allowing her self to remember this, this memory still tainted with pain and regret. She delved inside the box and found Jess' baby-suit; she also found the sixteen birthday cards she had written for her daughter. Each read almost the same message inside:

_Happy Birthday to my baby girl._

_Carrying you in my heart and soul forever._

_I'm sorry for everything_

_Love Always, Your Mom xxx_

A small tear trickled a line down the side of her face. Angrily, she slammed the contents inside their dusty home, it had been self-inflicted. She shouldn't wallow. She shouldn't have been so weak as to rely on alcohol as her vice. She deserved all she had gotten. Abby regrouped herself before noticing the time on her clock once again, 11am, she should leave now. She hastily grabbed one of the baby pictures, her purse and keys, leaving her box of memories behind.


End file.
